Steve Bull - Love and Loss

Steve got in touch with Riders Minds to share his story. Steve is no stranger to tragedy, following the loss of his wife through an accident involving horses, he has shared his powerful story in his book - 'The Return Journey; An expedition of love and loss'. 

Steve's wife, Kathryn was an experienced horse woman and valued volunteer for the BHS. Steve has continued her work and story by caring for her beloved horse Ollie and by volunteering as an Access Officer for the BHS. 

Read Steve's story:

A friend sent me a link to Riders Minds last week, as like many I have been struggling recently. The first post I read was of the loss of Matthew the founder. My initial thoughts, even though I have not met her, were of his wife Victoria. Because she will have now entered the darkness, a place where only the bereaved know of, a place where no light shines and no one else goes.

I know this because my wife was killed four years ago; by a horse.

  The darkness consumes you, and unless you fight with every ounce of will you have, it will kill you. I then thought of Matthew himself; again I did not know him. But I know the enemy that killed him, because again, I have faced that foe. It doesn't have a name, does not go by any calling card. It exists alright though, and is deadlier than any bullet.

In the earlier stages of my wife and I's relationship, I slit my wrist with a hunting knife; in desperation I called Kathryn. We spent the night stopping the bleeding, and in so doing forged a relationship that was unbreakable. When she was killed the demons threatened again. So I wrote; I wrote about our love and the story of our lives.

And that's what all those at Riders Minds need to do now, write about Matthew, write about suicide, about menatl health, for his loss is not in vain; trite words maybe, even a little belittling. But true, because mental health is the unseen deadly disease, and suicide, (the word people dont mention) is its gun. If we talk about it though we have a chance, and that's as good as it gets when the darkness is all around you.

My wife used to say she was my shield and sword, as one; my strength and honor; from the film Gladiator. So, I imagine I will see her again, but not yet; that's what keeps me going, saves me from suicide. And this line from the film seems pognant also, in the context of Matthews loss;

  "Is Rome worth one good man's life? We believed it once. Make us believe it again. He was a soldier of Rome. Honoir him."

Those of us that suffer from mental health issues must talk about it. It is tragic beyind words that the founder of a mental health organisation should die from suicide. Yet, it could so easily be me, or you, or the rider next to you.

You can read Steve's story by buying his book - 'The Return Journey' from the BHS Bookshop.

If you are struggling and need someone to talk to call the Riders Minds Team on 

0300 102 1540